Support

I wish I knew what my nonverbal Autistic son wanted

by Theresa Yeager

My Autistic son ate a staff’s donut at school today. It’s not something The Boy is able to have because of his food allergies. Since he was going to have a ‘reaction’ anyway, I thought it would be a good time to take him out for something special. Just the two of us. I mean if he is going to have GI upset anyway – I might as well have a nice moment with him first right!?

So I took him out and got him some junk food from a drive through. I thought it was going to make him very happy. Fries, fingers and lemonade, a big treat for a kid with tons of food issues! Bomb Mom status was going to be mine.

Boy Was I Wrong

He was happy with the lemonade, but when the bag came out of the drive through window he kept trying to dig into it. All I ordered was all fingers and fries. Man he was not happy. He took his drink bottle from school and repeatedly smashed it on the armrest between the front two seats. I had to pull over and wrestle it out of his hands. He continued to growl at me while he threw his food, piece by piece at my head. I guess I should be thankful he wasn’t kicking at me or grabbing my hair. But finding a thankful idea in my head was impossible. His nonverbal Autism was, once again, causing some serious communication barriers.

I felt like such a failure. I just wanted to cry. So much for doing something that was going to make him happy. Because he has no adequate communication system in place, he couldn’t tell me what would make him happy. He couldn’t tell me that my choice made him angry, or sad, or frustrated, or disappointed. I just wanted to scream out and beg for a moment of peace. A moment of…..

Normalcy

I just wanted to give my child a special dinner treat. Is that too much to ask? I know so many other parents of Autistic children out there feel it too. We long to have just a moment where life is life. Where you aren’t struggling with every detail of every day. In my deepest hour of my pity party, where I feel like another failure – I reach out to my support system. My support group. I can not stress how important it is to have support. Find one, and if you don’t know how – I am happy to help you.

Date Night

by Theresa Yeager

Date nights are important for all of us. Single mom’s – go on a self care date or go out with a friend. Married couples – go on a date night. Date nights are important even when you are married. Especially when you are married. Everyone needs to take time to have fun!

Let me say that again.

Date nights are important.

Where you go doesn't matter as much as the fact that you actually GO! — Where you go doesn’t matter – just GO!

I know, I was you. For almost a decade I thought a married couple having a corny “date night” was the dumbest thing ever. Yeah, I thought you should go out to dinner for your anniversary or something. That was it. I mean you are married now. You committed yourselves to each other – now focus on the family, deal with the house and the kids. Then my Boy came along. Autism reared its head in my home and we barely had enough time to focus on the basics. Care for the kids took on a whole new meaning. It was survive the day and keep everyone safe. Feed them and run them wherever they needed to go.

Then it got REAL.

At 8 years old, my Boy got violent. The aggression was so intense that every day we delt with him attacking me, throwing things, biting and kicking. I would go to bed bruised and bloody several times a week. My other kids were scared and I was pregnant.

I won’t lie.

I was scared.

For that year, we had battle plans. We survived. It’s a blur and I honestly don’t remember all that much. It was the beginning of a horrific downward spiral. I reached a point where I had no more to give. My husband and I rarely spoke to each other. I never spoke with my kids except to bark orders or shush them to be quiet – fearful they would set off another meltdown.

It was a cold dark place. I was there because I didn’t take care of myself. I didn’t take the time to enjoy my relationships – with my husband, my kids, my friends and family.

My Boy needs a Warrior Mom. He deserves one. I am that for him. I know thousands of others like me. We go into battle every day for our kids. We put on our armor and we are invincible.

Or we expect to be.

But we aren’t.

We are women in that armor. We are women with needs. And a woman’s needs can only be ignored for so long before… before she breaks apart. But a Warrior Mom holds it all together. She expects to hold herself together too. Because that’s what a warrior does.

But every warrior needs to take the armor off now and again. Every warrior is a person first.

So Warrior Moms, you are no less a warrior because you allow yourself to be a woman. A woman in need of love… in need of care… in need of help…

What makes a woman amazing? She takes the love, care and help given to her – accepted by her; and she multiplies it 100 fold to pour back into others. So if you want to give love, care and help to those you are a caregiver for; first you must accept it from others. Then you can multiply that blessing.

Supportive Friends keep you Sane

by Theresa Yeager

I don’t get away to visit friends very often. Sure, I get some time to chat on Facebook, text and the odd phone call here and there; but a true visit with someone is super rare. I recently was able to take a couple of hours away, thanks to my amazing Hubby. I ran my errands and stopped by a dear friend’s home to chat and have some stove popped corn with butter and garlic – YUMMO!! She and her hubby raised their wonderful children and now they live in a small cabin, off-grid, in the middle of nowhere. It is a beautiful cabin, a breath-taking view and a little slice of Heaven on Earth.

We chatted about special needs children. I took the opportunity to pick her brain about her children and how she navigated summers with all her children home, including her special needs child. She had some insightful information, but my favorite thing she said was that it is all about your mindset. She didn’t try to ‘survive the summer’ with her child home. She ‘thrived in the summer’ when she was able to have her children home with her without having to worry about someone else’s timetables. Someone else’s expectations. She could do what was best for her family each day based on her family, not based on meeting certain academic goals.

It was brilliant.

And I can’t wait to share more with you when I release my book!

What a wealth of information she is, and an invaluable friend. We talked about how to optimize our off-grid electrical systems. We compared notes about batteries, panels and output. And when her hubby came home we talked a little business since we are both Network Marketers as well. It is so refreshing to visit with friends who share so many interests. Friends who have walked down your path before and can offer wise words to support, guide and commiserate.

If you don’t have a support system in place, a friend you can turn to – it is important you find one. You don’t have to be able to meet for coffee, chatting on Facebook works too! Just knowing there is someone else out there who gets it can help you to cope. No matter what life throws at you <3

Autism, hypervigilance and self-doubt

by Theresa Yeager

I was beginning to think that my hypervigilance was unnecessary. That it was something that was ‘wrong’ with me and I should just snap out of it. I mean I would get very nervous about 30 minutes before the Boy was due to get off the bus. I would walk around the house making sure everything was exactly as it needed to be. Were the living room toys put away? Was the futon couch we have put back in its proper position after the baby and I had it in the lounge position to watch some TV last night? Is there a snack sitting in the right spot on the kitchen table? Washing machine lid closed and bathroom door closed? All the trigger items back in their proper place – mop, electric razor, stand mixer, vacuum cleaner? Diffuser running with a familiar blend of essential oils? Afternoon supplements set up and ready to go?

Time to get him off the bus.

I would feel this anxiousness in my chest. Were we going to have a good night or a bad one?

This scenario would play over and over every day. If it was a weekend, the steps would be different but the feelings the same. Keep the siblings quiet. Calm the cranky child so that the whining and the tantrum doesn’t set the Boy off. Lunch on the table in time. Snack. Dinner. Snack. Bedtime routine. But wait, the sun isn’t cooperating and he isn’t ready yet………. Are we going to have a meltdown or just some quick angry punches?

Brace yourself for the worst.

We have been going day after day without a significant meltdown. So I was beginning to second guess myself. I was. I was really starting to think that my behavior, my feelings were unfounded and that it was about ME and not about Autism.

Then we had a very rough time after school today and I was reminded that it isn’t me. He was kicking parts of the bus so long and so hard that a screw came loose and fell out. He put another hole in the wall. My arms hurt cause his nails are overdue for cutting.

I wonder if this is how soldiers feel. How abuse victims feel. You are just waiting for the next time that “it” is going to happen, so you can’t enjoy the time that you have in peace. You just can’t shut it down and relax. Because the moment you do

BAM

You are right back in the fight again and that wonderful calm is ripped from your grasp. Best not to enjoy it because it hurts so much when it’s gone… So we walk through life waiting for the inevitable. A soldier and a victim – Lord willing they will escape their circumstances. Lord willing, they will have the ability to end the cycle and move forward with their lives away from the “it” that caused them to be on high alert.

So where does that leave the parents like me?

Getting back into our groove

by Theresa Yeager

I was away for 4 days in order to bond with other oily enthusiasts at a beach house 12 hours away from home. I drove out, stayed 2 days and then drove back. I arrived back to my family physically and emotionally exhausted, but the experience was downright amazing! I sat in training sessions for hours on end and filled up my notebook with notes. I made amazing connections with others and learned SO much.

In short – I fed my passion

When is the last time you fed YOUR passion?

I get it. Trust me, I do. It is difficult to carve out time. Add in the drama surrounding trying to get back into your day-to-day and you probably just want to skip the idea altogether. It took me a solid week to recover from my trip. The Boy was all out of whack because of the change. The baby has been a clingy mess and won’t let me out of his sight for more then a few moments. The laundry was pilled high and the dishes were overflowing in the sink. I had 4 days of work to catch up on while I tried to get everyone back on their schedules.

But I enjoyed myself. And we all need to enjoy ourselves sometimes. Even if all you can do is take a walk around the block in the sunshine, or read a book in a comfy chair, or hide in a closet to play a game on your phone. Find something that you enjoy and do it. Self-care is important. As they say, you can’t pour from an empty cup.

If I was to issue a 30-day self-care challenge,

Would you take it?