#family

I wish I knew what my nonverbal Autistic son wanted

by Theresa Yeager

My Autistic son ate a staff’s donut at school today. It’s not something The Boy is able to have because of his food allergies. Since he was going to have a ‘reaction’ anyway, I thought it would be a good time to take him out for something special. Just the two of us. I mean if he is going to have GI upset anyway – I might as well have a nice moment with him first right!?

So I took him out and got him some junk food from a drive through. I thought it was going to make him very happy. Fries, fingers and lemonade, a big treat for a kid with tons of food issues! Bomb Mom status was going to be mine.

Boy Was I Wrong

He was happy with the lemonade, but when the bag came out of the drive through window he kept trying to dig into it. All I ordered was all fingers and fries. Man he was not happy. He took his drink bottle from school and repeatedly smashed it on the armrest between the front two seats. I had to pull over and wrestle it out of his hands. He continued to growl at me while he threw his food, piece by piece at my head. I guess I should be thankful he wasn’t kicking at me or grabbing my hair. But finding a thankful idea in my head was impossible. His nonverbal Autism was, once again, causing some serious communication barriers.

I felt like such a failure. I just wanted to cry. So much for doing something that was going to make him happy. Because he has no adequate communication system in place, he couldn’t tell me what would make him happy. He couldn’t tell me that my choice made him angry, or sad, or frustrated, or disappointed. I just wanted to scream out and beg for a moment of peace. A moment of…..

Normalcy

I just wanted to give my child a special dinner treat. Is that too much to ask? I know so many other parents of Autistic children out there feel it too. We long to have just a moment where life is life. Where you aren’t struggling with every detail of every day. In my deepest hour of my pity party, where I feel like another failure – I reach out to my support system. My support group. I can not stress how important it is to have support. Find one, and if you don’t know how – I am happy to help you.

Nonverbal Autism makes car rides tricky

by Theresa Yeager

I load the car and hope that everything goes as planned. A favorite snack is ready to go; drink and electronic device are positioned where they are easily accessible. His backpack is in the trunk with the coat, boots and socks he needs for school. Car diffuser is running with Grounding essential oil blend in it. What’s so tricky about that? How could this possibly go amiss? Because people with Autism like their routine, this setup brings the comfort of consistency to My Boy. The problem is that today some of my other kids are riding in the car with him too.

Thankfully, my Daughter and Teen know to stay completely silent for the entire trip. They know that they can not have an electronic device for the drive and they can not have anything to eat. They will sit in silence and read for the half hour we are on our journey together.

The most difficult part is that My Boy needs to sit in the front seat instead of his usual seat in the back. I can’t risk putting him next to my Daughter. In all honesty, My Boy does better riding in the front than riding in the back next to someone anyway – so the system seems to work.

After he’s done yelling at me.

I’ve said it before – every action, every behavior – is communication. So how does my nonverbal, 12 year old child with Autism tell me he doesn’t like to ride in the front seat? How will he express to me that he doesn’t like the change in routine?

Simple, he’ll hit me.

If he is mildly annoyed it will be a light tap on my arm while he bites his hand. The angrier he is, the harder he will hit me with his hand, his head, his device or even his food. He will also use hair pulling, pinching and biting if he feels that I am not listening to him.

What is an Autism Momma to do?

I am very sorry fellow Autism parents. I have no amazing words of wisdom to get your through tough car rides. I try to have a ‘special’ snack for him on days that I know the drive will be tough. I will also try my best to keep it as part of the routine – other kids are in the car on Tuesdays for example.

As he is yelling at me with his behavior, I tell him that I am listening to him. I will say over and over again that I know he is angry/upset. I think it is paramount for us as Autism parents to remember that our nonverbal children need to know that they are heard. That what they are saying through their actions is important. Since I know he is struggling and being stern with him is only going to escalate his behavior, I will gently remind him that he needs to talk nicely to me.

Above all, you need to stay safe. You can not safely drive if you are being pummeled. Pull over if you need to. Make an unexpected stop in a parking lot and get out and walk.

Getting to your destination is not more important than your life.

Brotherly Love Trumps Autism Struggles

by Theresa Yeager

Living with Autism presents such a boatload of challenges. It challenges the family and it challenges the person. Day in and day out it is exhausting for everyone. My Boy has to take extreme effort to attempt to get his most basic communication heard. No words, no sign language, no electronic communication…. He relies on pulling people around and throwing their hand at things. The frustration he feels has got to be tremendous – especially when people get the wrong message. Or worse, they won’t let him ‘talk’ to them at all because they are afraid that he is grabbing them to pinch or bite.

But The Boy’s baby brother opened my eyes. He is almost 4 now. Such an innocent and precious 4 year old with the biggest heart. Now I could rationalize it and tell myself that this innocence is because he doesn’t remember watching me beaten to tears by his big brother like his other siblings have.

I choose not to.

I am choosing to love and support that this little 4 year old looks up to his big brother and wants to be just like him. I am choosing to support his want to follow his big brother around the yard and do the same things his brother enjoys. I am choosing to stay close to make sure I pick up any non-verbal cues from The Boy saying he is done having company. I am choosing to squelch the fear that the little one isn’t going to be safe if aggression shows it’s ugly face. I sat watching them throw rocks and sticks off into the woods. I smiled as they wandered from place to place. The Boy decked out in a full blown snowsuit next to his baby brother in shorts. The pair of them melted my heart and reminded me that what you see is your choice.

I saw 2 brothers wandering around enjoying each other.

And for once, Autism didn’t matter one bit.

Easter Fun

by Theresa Yeager

Yup, Easter came and went once again this year. And again I felt like a bad mom, horrible Christian and a subpar wife. At least this year I had a semi-understandable excuse. Family is coming to visit in a couple weeks and bringing Easter ‘fun’ with them. No need to do the whole thing twice…. right?

I just kept telling myself that over and over again. At least it took the edge off.

So we went to church. Did some grocery shopping and acted like it was just another Sunday. No basket of goodies. No egg hunt. No gifts or candy to be had. We didn’t even watch The Passion movie. But my oldest did come home from college to visit. So he could take part in the nothing that we were doing….

We did have mini meltdowns all day.

Pinching and kicking aplenty.

And of course crazy amounts of sensory seeking. Being a holiday this was day 3 of no school. No school sensory room. No trampoline or huge gym to run around in. None of those specialty ‘things’ they have at school that help him to not feel so…… oh who am I kidding. I have no idea how he feels inside when he doesn’t get those things. I just know it isn’t a good feeling. I know because he lashes out and is not a happy kid. It makes his struggle with Autism ‘worse’ if you will.

I’m totally stoked for the next 7 days of spring break.

NOT

But at least the flowers are blooming. That’s a good start for the week <3

Family Visit and Blueberries!

by Theresa Yeager

The kids always love getting together with their cousins. This year was no different. They all had a blast running and playing outside. The highlight of the 3 days was, of course, blueberry picking!!

We go to a blueberry farm called Serendipity Farm and we absolutely LOVE it there! We can take The Boy and just let him run and roam. It is set back from the road, like a secluded little treasure.

The blueberry farm is organic, so we don’t have to worry about the kids being exposed to any chemicals. The people who own the farm are wonderful – super nice! It’s a WIN in every way.

This is a yearly family tradition that we look forward to time and time again <3