Theresa Yeager

5 Kids and Autism

#nonverbal

I wish I knew what my nonverbal Autistic son wanted

by

My Autistic son ate a staff’s donut at school today. It’s not something The Boy is able to have because of his food allergies. Since he was going to have a ‘reaction’ anyway, I thought it would be a good time to take him out for something special. Just the two of us. I mean if he is going to have GI upset anyway – I might as well have a nice moment with him first right!?

So I took him out and got him some junk food from a drive through. I thought it was going to make him very happy. Fries, fingers and lemonade, a big treat for a kid with tons of food issues! Bomb Mom status was going to be mine.

Boy Was I Wrong

Autims communication is HardHe was happy with the lemonade, but when the bag came out of the drive through window he kept trying to dig into it. All I ordered was all fingers and fries. Man he was not happy. He took his drink bottle from school and repeatedly smashed it on the armrest between the front two seats. I had to pull over and wrestle it out of his hands. He continued to growl at me while he threw his food, piece by piece at my head. I guess I should be thankful he wasn’t kicking at me or grabbing my hair. But finding a thankful idea in my head was impossible. His nonverbal Autism was, once again, causing some serious communication barriers.

I felt like such a failure. I just wanted to cry. So much for doing something that was going to make him happy. Because he has no adequate communication system in place, he couldn’t tell me what would make him happy. He couldn’t tell me that my choice made him angry, or sad, or frustrated, or Autism Supportdisappointed. I just wanted to scream out and beg for a moment of peace. A moment of…..

Normalcy

I just wanted to give my child a special dinner treat. Is that too much to ask? I know so many other parents of Autistic children out there feel it too. We long to have just a moment where life is life. Where you aren’t struggling with every detail of every day. In my deepest hour of my pity party, where I feel like another failure – I reach out to my support system. My support group. I can not stress how important it is to have support. Find one, and if you don’t know how – I am happy to help you.

Nonverbal Autism makes car rides tricky

by

I load the car and hope that everything goes as planned. A favorite snack is ready to go; drink and electronic device are positioned where they are easily accessible. His backpack is in the trunk with the coat, boots and socks he needs for school. Car diffuser is running with Grounding essential oil blend in it. What’s so tricky about that? How could this possibly go amiss? Because people with Autism like their routine, this setup brings the comfort of consistency to My Boy. The problem is that today some of my other kids are riding in the car with him too.

car rides hard nonverbal autismThankfully, my Daughter and Teen know to stay completely silent for the entire trip. They know that they can not have an electronic device for the drive and they can not have anything to eat. They will sit in silence and read for the half hour we are on our journey together.

The most difficult part is that My Boy needs to sit in the front seat instead of his usual seat in the back. I can’t risk putting him next to my Daughter. In all honesty, My Boy does better riding in the front than riding in the back next to someone anyway – so the system seems to work.

After he’s done yelling at me.nonverbal autism behavior communication

I’ve said it before – every action, every behavior – is communication. So how does my nonverbal, 12 year old child with Autism tell me he doesn’t like to ride in the front seat? How will he express to me that he doesn’t like the change in routine?

Simple, he’ll hit me.

If he is mildly annoyed it will be a light tap on my arm while he bites his hand. The angrier he is, the harder he will hit me with his hand, his head, his device or even his food. He will also use hair pulling, pinching and biting if he feels that I am not listening to him.

What is an Autism Momma to do?

I am very sorry fellow Autism parents. I have no amazing words of wisdom to get your through tough car rides. I try to have a ‘special’ snack for him on days that I know the drive will be tough. I will also try my best to keep it as part of the routine – other kids are in the car on Tuesdays for example.

nonverbal autism behaviorAs he is yelling at  me with his behavior, I tell him that I am listening to him. I will say over and over again that I know he is angry/upset. I think it is paramount for us as Autism parents to remember that our nonverbal children need to know that they are heard. That what they are saying through their actions is important. Since I know he is struggling and being stern with him is only going to escalate his behavior, I will gently remind him that he needs to talk nicely to me.

Above all, you need to stay safe. You can not safely drive if you are being pummeled. Pull over if you need to. Make an unexpected stop in a parking lot and get out and walk.

Getting to your destination is not more important than your life.

Brotherly Love Trumps Autism Struggles

by

Living with Autism presents such a boatload of challenges. It challenges the family and it challenges the person. Day in and day out it is exhausting for everyone. My Boy has to take extreme effort to attempt to get his most basic communication heard. No words, no sign language, no electronic communication…. He relies  on pulling people around and throwing their hand at things. The frustration he feels has got to be tremendous – especially when people get the wrong message. Or worse, they won’t let him ‘talk’ to them at all because they are afraid that he is grabbing them to pinch or bite.

But The Boy’s baby brother opened my eyes. He is almost 4 now. Such an innocent and precious 4 year old with the biggest heart. Now I could rationalize it and tell myself that this innocence is because he doesn’t remember watching me beaten to tears by his big brother like his other siblings have.

I choose not to.

I am choosing to love and support that this little 4 year old looks up to his big brother and wants to be just like him. I am choosing to support his want to follow his big brother around the yard and do the same things his brother enjoys. I am choosing to stay close to make sure I pick up any non-verbal cues from The Boy saying he is done having company. I am choosing to  squelch the fear that the little one isn’t going to be safe if aggression shows it’s ugly face. I sat watching them throw rocks and sticks off into the woods. I smiled as they wandered from place to place. The Boy decked out in a full blown snowsuit next to his baby brother in shorts. The pair of them melted my heart and reminded me that what you see is your choice.

I saw 2 brothers wandering around enjoying each other.

And for once, Autism didn’t matter one bit.

Underestimating those with Autism

by

Facebook decided to tell me of a memory the other day. A memory that gave my heartstrings quite a tug and it keeps replaying in my mind. It was a post I made after visiting The Boy at school and witnessing something wonderful.

It was time for The Boy to do his work and in front of him sat a paper with his name written on it. The teacher read the name to him and my Boy motioned to himself. He recognized that name as being his name. As being him. There wasn’t a dry eye to be had. We were beyond happy that he showed us what he already knew.

Reading <3
Reading <3

That was 4 years ago. He was 7 at the time.

Today we still struggle with having him spell his name. He won’t type it out on his own, but he obviously knows that it is ‘his’. I had forgotten that he did demonstrate it clearly to us all those years ago. There is so much knowledge locked away in that mind of his. I go through every day, every interaction with him under the assumption that he has complete understanding of everything going on around him. I do not assume that he doesn’t comprehend the words spoken in another room. I do not talk about him as if he wasn’t there.

He is a person.

He is just unable to express himself in a way that we can understand.

And he does not see the point in demonstrating his knowledge to those around him simply because we want him to. He will not point to something because you asked him to. He will only demonstrate his knowledge in functional applications. I find that remarkable. I mean, why on earth should he spend his time and energy in tasks that have no practical applications in his life.

A prime example? My amazing Boy was learning to use scissors at school. I was told that he had reached the limit of his ability and the professional didn’t feel he would be able to progress further. So I put scissors in his hands when he wanted frozen fruit and told him he had to cut the bag open himself.

Hmmmmmm, guess who is using scissors….

Don’t underestimate your child.

You may just be looking at things from a different angle.

It’s time to think outside the box.