#stressaway

Nonverbal Autism makes car rides tricky

by Theresa Yeager

I load the car and hope that everything goes as planned. A favorite snack is ready to go; drink and electronic device are positioned where they are easily accessible. His backpack is in the trunk with the coat, boots and socks he needs for school. Car diffuser is running with Grounding essential oil blend in it. What’s so tricky about that? How could this possibly go amiss? Because people with Autism like their routine, this setup brings the comfort of consistency to My Boy. The problem is that today some of my other kids are riding in the car with him too.

Thankfully, my Daughter and Teen know to stay completely silent for the entire trip. They know that they can not have an electronic device for the drive and they can not have anything to eat. They will sit in silence and read for the half hour we are on our journey together.

The most difficult part is that My Boy needs to sit in the front seat instead of his usual seat in the back. I can’t risk putting him next to my Daughter. In all honesty, My Boy does better riding in the front than riding in the back next to someone anyway – so the system seems to work.

After he’s done yelling at me.

I’ve said it before – every action, every behavior – is communication. So how does my nonverbal, 12 year old child with Autism tell me he doesn’t like to ride in the front seat? How will he express to me that he doesn’t like the change in routine?

Simple, he’ll hit me.

If he is mildly annoyed it will be a light tap on my arm while he bites his hand. The angrier he is, the harder he will hit me with his hand, his head, his device or even his food. He will also use hair pulling, pinching and biting if he feels that I am not listening to him.

What is an Autism Momma to do?

I am very sorry fellow Autism parents. I have no amazing words of wisdom to get your through tough car rides. I try to have a ‘special’ snack for him on days that I know the drive will be tough. I will also try my best to keep it as part of the routine – other kids are in the car on Tuesdays for example.

As he is yelling at me with his behavior, I tell him that I am listening to him. I will say over and over again that I know he is angry/upset. I think it is paramount for us as Autism parents to remember that our nonverbal children need to know that they are heard. That what they are saying through their actions is important. Since I know he is struggling and being stern with him is only going to escalate his behavior, I will gently remind him that he needs to talk nicely to me.

Above all, you need to stay safe. You can not safely drive if you are being pummeled. Pull over if you need to. Make an unexpected stop in a parking lot and get out and walk.

Getting to your destination is not more important than your life.

Been a tough day

by Theresa Yeager

Gotta say that today was rough. Just downright tough. I mean as I am crying I just can’t get over how I have managed to get through the days like this one in the past. Do you know what I am talking about? You many not be an Autism parent. Maybe your kid has something else going on. Maybe you take care of a parent or spouse. Maybe you are trying to figure out how you are going to pay the rent or put food on the table.

Whatever your journey – some days can be tough. Tough enough to test our resolve and see if we are just going to fold. Throw that towel in and hide under the covers. You know what. Sometimes it’s not just a day. Sometimes it is a week. Sometimes it is tough for a month. Sometimes we feel like we are going to break in two because it has been SO tough for years.

I feel ya.

But know that when you are at that point, when you feel like you just can’t go on – you can. Lean into the Lord. Lean into your support system. Lean into those He has given you and realize that there are things that are out of your control.

And that is okay.

I fielded a meltdown today that was intense. The last few minutes of school my Boy had a super hard time and began to bite and pinch. It carried over into pickup time. Looking back – I know that it was because he had a killer headache. At the time, I hadn’t a clue what was wrong. I was trying to keep him safe, myself safe and figure out how I was going to make the 45 minute drive home with him without getting into an accident or having him crack my head open with one of the objects he kept finding from out of ‘nowhere’.

There were 4 professionals from the school with me, trying to help. Getting him off of me when he pulled a handful of hair out of my head. Helping to get him to release from my arm when he had bitten down on the bare skin. Running to the other side of the car to prevent him from jumping out into traffic. Breaking his grip as he ripped my shirt and tried to bite my hands.

My stash of oils! — Some of the stash I left home!!

It was a ROUGH time.

I was so upset and in such pain that I couldn’t really talk to them. I could hear my voice crack every time I asked a question to try and figure out how to calm him. Whenever I tried to answer questions of the person who came out of the school – about how we were going to be able to safely drive with him in the vehicle.

I don’t know why he finally calmed and buckled in. But he did. I cleaned up all the things he had thrown and broken, slathered myself with my favorite essential oil (Release!!) and got in the car. Stupid me… I didn’t have any of HIS favorite oils in the car. So we had to wait until we got home before he could pick what HE wanted to smell.

Oooooppppppsssss…..

Getting home was a blur. Every time I tried to talk I would start to cry. So I went through the motions and asked The Boy what oil he wanted. I think he picked Deep Relief and Basil… but I really can’t be sure. I took some Arnica for my injuries – and now I am realizing that I really should put something on these cuts… I forgot all about it when he decided that pooping outside was a good idea. Of course, the washer was running in the bathroom. Can’t go in there with all that noise…

But I feel better now. Just when I was able to let the tears flow and I thought for sure I wouldn’t be able to tolerate another beating – The Boy asked nicely for an electronic device and a movie on the TV. He grabbed a snack and is happy in the living room.

The battle is over. But the War rages on.

For now – God has granted me some rest. It won’t last long, I know.

But for now, I say

Date Night

by Theresa Yeager

Date nights are important for all of us. Single mom’s – go on a self care date or go out with a friend. Married couples – go on a date night. Date nights are important even when you are married. Especially when you are married. Everyone needs to take time to have fun!

Let me say that again.

Date nights are important.

Where you go doesn't matter as much as the fact that you actually GO! — Where you go doesn’t matter – just GO!

I know, I was you. For almost a decade I thought a married couple having a corny “date night” was the dumbest thing ever. Yeah, I thought you should go out to dinner for your anniversary or something. That was it. I mean you are married now. You committed yourselves to each other – now focus on the family, deal with the house and the kids. Then my Boy came along. Autism reared its head in my home and we barely had enough time to focus on the basics. Care for the kids took on a whole new meaning. It was survive the day and keep everyone safe. Feed them and run them wherever they needed to go.

Then it got REAL.

At 8 years old, my Boy got violent. The aggression was so intense that every day we delt with him attacking me, throwing things, biting and kicking. I would go to bed bruised and bloody several times a week. My other kids were scared and I was pregnant.

I won’t lie.

I was scared.

For that year, we had battle plans. We survived. It’s a blur and I honestly don’t remember all that much. It was the beginning of a horrific downward spiral. I reached a point where I had no more to give. My husband and I rarely spoke to each other. I never spoke with my kids except to bark orders or shush them to be quiet – fearful they would set off another meltdown.

It was a cold dark place. I was there because I didn’t take care of myself. I didn’t take the time to enjoy my relationships – with my husband, my kids, my friends and family.

My Boy needs a Warrior Mom. He deserves one. I am that for him. I know thousands of others like me. We go into battle every day for our kids. We put on our armor and we are invincible.

Or we expect to be.

But we aren’t.

We are women in that armor. We are women with needs. And a woman’s needs can only be ignored for so long before… before she breaks apart. But a Warrior Mom holds it all together. She expects to hold herself together too. Because that’s what a warrior does.

But every warrior needs to take the armor off now and again. Every warrior is a person first.

So Warrior Moms, you are no less a warrior because you allow yourself to be a woman. A woman in need of love… in need of care… in need of help…

What makes a woman amazing? She takes the love, care and help given to her – accepted by her; and she multiplies it 100 fold to pour back into others. So if you want to give love, care and help to those you are a caregiver for; first you must accept it from others. Then you can multiply that blessing.

Supportive Friends keep you Sane

by Theresa Yeager

I don’t get away to visit friends very often. Sure, I get some time to chat on Facebook, text and the odd phone call here and there; but a true visit with someone is super rare. I recently was able to take a couple of hours away, thanks to my amazing Hubby. I ran my errands and stopped by a dear friend’s home to chat and have some stove popped corn with butter and garlic – YUMMO!! She and her hubby raised their wonderful children and now they live in a small cabin, off-grid, in the middle of nowhere. It is a beautiful cabin, a breath-taking view and a little slice of Heaven on Earth.

We chatted about special needs children. I took the opportunity to pick her brain about her children and how she navigated summers with all her children home, including her special needs child. She had some insightful information, but my favorite thing she said was that it is all about your mindset. She didn’t try to ‘survive the summer’ with her child home. She ‘thrived in the summer’ when she was able to have her children home with her without having to worry about someone else’s timetables. Someone else’s expectations. She could do what was best for her family each day based on her family, not based on meeting certain academic goals.

It was brilliant.

And I can’t wait to share more with you when I release my book!

What a wealth of information she is, and an invaluable friend. We talked about how to optimize our off-grid electrical systems. We compared notes about batteries, panels and output. And when her hubby came home we talked a little business since we are both Network Marketers as well. It is so refreshing to visit with friends who share so many interests. Friends who have walked down your path before and can offer wise words to support, guide and commiserate.

If you don’t have a support system in place, a friend you can turn to – it is important you find one. You don’t have to be able to meet for coffee, chatting on Facebook works too! Just knowing there is someone else out there who gets it can help you to cope. No matter what life throws at you <3

How was YOUR weekend?

by Theresa Yeager

Well, I took the two youngest on a 5-hour car ride this weekend. I had to go to the Autism Doc for a follow-up for The Boy. I thought it would be easier for Hubby if I took the baby with me. Well, my daughter wanted to come along too. I thought I could handle it…….. Yeahhhhhh……….

A 5-hour trip home last night turned into about 7 hours. I stopped for gas JUST so I could get out of the car and away from the bickering for 5 minutes! I had Stress Away in my Orb Diffuser, Present Time on my shirt, and Peace and Calming all over the seats in the back with the kids. Dude – it was rough. Looks like Hubby was having an easier time at home with The Boy. Man – I thought I was picking the easier of the two scenarios. NOPE!

It just goes to show that parenting is rough.

Parenting a non-verbal child with ASD is tough.

Parenting a 9-year-old girl is tough.

Toddlers = crazy tough.

Teenagers…. let’s not even go there 😉

The journey is rough on us all. Yes, Autism sets us up for challenges that we aren’t prepared for. It puts us in positions that look different from a ‘typical’ family. There are different worries and have different effects on us. Our worries tend to never end because our child may never grow to be able to care for themselves.

My journey may be beyond challenging. My journey is going to stretch me and my family. My journey is teaching everyone in my family, extended family, friends and even acquaintances things they never dreamed of.

So let’s all embrace our parenting journey and realize that it isn’t easy on anyone.